- - Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity - -
- - To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment - -
- - Would you capture it or just let it slip? - -
Coming to terms with just how old I am and yet still knowing how many times I'll have to go through this, it's kinda painful Turning 20...losing the teen, and thinking....has it been worth it Things that i've done, things that I never could do a jumble of ideas, all lost Confused at myself, not sure where I'm going, and focusing too much at the past. And i waste away as I gaze upon the past. But what use is there to hope about the past? For it already has happened. Life used to be easy, carefree.... and I got used to that. I got used to life being what I wanted it to be, and now that Life has gone awry... I'm in constant pain. I once thought that i could be great. But whether that was possible or not, it's a fact now that I've made my self trash. And to see myself in the mirror, in such depravity. What can I do to change this? No energy, no happiness, no more. Ahh... that post freshman never came. And i'm quite happy about that. because past is past. Errors? I got too... stuck... i mean.. i guess its about looking out for ur future, so relationships could be a part of that...but not like that but most of all? it's about having fun...you can't stop having fun... you can't let your self get stuck so let's get poppin'
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blackctrl
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9/9/2002
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it's amazing how my last post was a year and 6 days ago...
maybe it's the time of this season that prompts these thoughts, and a need to let it loose, to confirm myself, to release
So how's everyone doing?
it's been 3 years since I've left high school... and so much has passed
and yet.... looking at my previous entry... how much have i changed?
I asked before... would I still be the same.... the pain, the void of purpose, if i would be a shell like this forever
And a year later... i still feel the same
still stumbling...only now, I try to sleep away the days... skipping midterms.. skipping classes... to sleep?
has it gotten worse?
for a while, i thought what my dad said was right, that I was failing life simply because i'm just so fucking lazy
laziness?
well that's certainly plagued me... for my entire life.
middle school, never agreed to go to any of the competitions because I was lazy
never tried hard in practice, never went to practices because I was lazy
never stayed in classes because I was lazy...
but now... trying to sleep away my life? what is this lie that I'm telling myself?
this isn't just laziness anymore. it may have been pompous arrogance that started all this....
but this is worse then any drug, any addiction... i'm fucking wasting my life away... in a stale dark room
I've always thought of myself as capable.
capable to ace a test with out studying
capable to talk my way out of anything
but all of these have been dismantled, dis proven.... disparated....
and of course one of my beliefs was that if I ever did drugs... i could stop at any time
never did fall into that pit.... but instead... i find myself in this vortex... that's been growing on me for the last decade... maybe my entire lifetime.
i've failed in everything else.... am I capable of throwing this off now? can I become the man I DEMAND myself to be?
last year I was whining about the loss of teens, the two zero.
But in less then a month... I'm 21.... and big whup?
it's about the time I grew up, fill in the holes of my fallacies.... deny this vortex, prove that the gravity of my pride, of my drive, of my heart
of my heart
of my heart
I refuse to fall like this, not stricken to the bed
only one thing will consume me in the end, and that's death
these tendrils of despair will NOT be my demise
Visiting my hometown so I can finally relax, and yet there's so much drama here... why?
People I've met, people i've forgotten, people that i've lost
My flaws. Digging my own traps. Oh so true.
But where am I supposed to find my determination, all of it within me has long burned away. There no longer is an energy within my being... to look towards the future.
Thinking, musing, hoping.
Is this how I will stay?Check out my website at:
http://homepages.nyu.edu/~hhx200
I has links to dota strategy, bleach and naruto manga
as well as a tidbit on myselfI'm in a situation where I shouldn't be
I live in a place that I can't stand
I'm on the path of a career that I hate
I have no purpose, no ambition
no happiness, no joy
no strength, no faith
If this was a chinese riddle, the next verse would be
Who am I?
thinking about drinking
thinking about relationships... but that's not...what it's about
and studies yo...that's what it's about
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